you would pick up someone in the library
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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