take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize