I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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