My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
