i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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