went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
