I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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