I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize