I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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