Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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