the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
