i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
