I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
