I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
