I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
