Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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