One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Mom said you looked used
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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