my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
