My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
