I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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