i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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