come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
