shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
