You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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