it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize