Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
