She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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