i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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