Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
