Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
