You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
