im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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