I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
