You're my little dorito
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Randomize
