took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
