I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
