holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just found puke in my bra..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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