I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
