Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
