I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
