I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
