HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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