I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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