it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
