everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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