i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
