Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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