seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
