I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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