You're completely useless in the revolution.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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