1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
