please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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