Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
