good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
